One of the sweetest pictures of the communion found in the body of saints in the church of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ happens during song.
It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.
My church usually sings this blessed song with an alternating echo of men and women’s voices; a call and answer. The men sing out ‘it is well with my soul,’ and the women faithfully return the proclamation with equal acclaim, ‘it is well with my soul!’
Next, all join in unison:
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And what a union is found in Christ alone! That is what unites the body of Christ, the truth that our sins are nailed to his cross. But the reason I think that singing this particular song is such a delightful image of communion in the church is the way it highlights both men and women, first separate, then blended.
We are the same; our sinful nature has found a cure in Christ.
We are different; each made to God’s glory in his design.
Different by Design
In Ephesians 5:32, we find a mystery: “this mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Paul chooses this point in the letter to the Ephesians to highlight the mysterious relationship between Christ and the church because he is explaining how marriage is designed to highlight that relationship.
The lead-in verse to this passage calls for submission for both man and wife; each must submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. He is their focus, goal, and commitment. Both man and wife are part of the Church, and the Bible tells us Christ has an intimate, loving, self-sacrificial, marriage-like relationship with his Church. Even so, man and wife have very different roles in how they seek to mimic the mystery.
Husbands are called to “love their wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.”
Wives are to “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Difficult by Design?
These verses are hard. In our limited human wisdom, we might look on either side of the aisle and see the better end of the deal. The grass is greener on the other side, isn’t it? If I am a husband, I’m thinking that sacrificial love is hard, and I would not mind having a little less responsibility than the call to “give myself up for her.” If I am a wife, I am thinking that my husband is not worthy of my respect, at least surely not in such-and-such area of my life.
God knew this when he designed marriage.
Have you considered that perhaps God intended a difficult, complementary design on purpose?
If it is difficult by nature for a man to step up, step in, get his hands dirty and lead his wife, cherish and nourish her in every way, then God will get more glory when he enables him to do so by his power.
If it is difficult by nature for a wife to humbly submit to her husband, especially in areas of his weakness, and to be a supportive helpmate with all respect for him, then God will get more glory when he enables her to do so by his power.
Divinely Designed
A complement is “something that completes or makes perfect; either of two parts or things needed to complete the whole; counterparts.” A complementarian believes in the design of marriage as just that: something designed. God designed marriage so that women can showcase the glory of God found in his relationship with Christ in ways that men simply cannot. By the same token, God’s design for marriage allows men to shine light on aspects of Christ’s relationship to the Church that women cannot. Yet God graciously designed men and women to unite in godly marriages and to fellowship together in the body of Christ, in order to make the two complements complete in Christ. How does this work itself out practically in the everyday life of marriage? These suggestions are true if you’re married right now or if, like me, you hope to be one day.
1. We must first and foremost submit to our Creator as He leads through His Word.
Our view of God informs our attitudes and actions toward others. Often our reluctance to serve others comes out of a bitterness of our hearts and an ungratefulness of what God has sovereignly ordained in our lives. If we think we don’t have enough money, we won’t be generous with our money. In the same way, if we view ourselves as our own master, we will not want to submit to God’s will. We cannot move on to our divinely designed roles without a proper understanding of God’s role as Creator.
Men, watch and respond prayerfully to how God is leading you. Track the changes in your heart as you are cut with the sword of the Spirit during your morning devotions. God is leading you and humbling you. Do you notice it? Christ gave himself up for you. Learn that truth so deeply that it will seem a logical consequence to give yourself up for your wife.
Women, be humbled by Christ’s submission to the Father, that though he was in the form of God, he emptied himself on your behalf. Be honored that his submission to the Father helps your submission to him. Learn the truths of Christ’s humbleness so deeply that it will be a joy to be like him in your own submission to your husband.
2. Look for godly examples of marriages in your church.
The church builds itself up in love by the example of older, wiser, more mature believers. Seek out examples of older couples who have learned the unforced rhythms of grace in their marriage. Ask them questions about what works, what doesn’t, and what mistakes they have made along the way.
Even a silly example can sometimes lead to a profound lesson. During one meeting with an older couple, the wife explained to us how she preferred to load the dishwasher by separating the dirty forks, spoons, and knives as she loaded them one-by-one throughout the week. This saves the time-wasting step of organizing the utensils during unloading, but her husband always forgot this step. She talked to us about thinking she had the objectively correct solution to the problem: her method is clearly more efficient. But marriage isn’t about efficiency and it’s certainly not about proving yourself to be correct. Her funny story provided a memorable lesson about grace, even during those times you’re absolutely sure that you’re correct. Learn from the examples of others in the church who have learned godliness the hard way.
3. Aspire to be worthy of the submission and leadership of others.
We often fall into the trap of reading this passage with the other person in mind. Rather than lament the ways that your spouse is woefully inadequate to fit their role ordained by God, focus instead on growing into someone who is worthy of the submission or leadership required.
Men, the call to give yourself up for your wife is scary. The idea of giving yourself up for anyone is terrifying. In fact, the Bible mentions that “one would scarcely die for a righteousness person” (Romans 5:6). You know her faults, flaws, and shortcomings. If you focus on these things, loving sacrificially will become increasingly difficult. Instead, focus on growing into a man worthy of her submission. Read through her biblical role today and think, “have I made her job easier or harder?”
Women, the call to submission is equally scary. It’s easier to think of submitting to a God who knows all, is perfect in love and all powerful in bringing to pass his loving will. Rather than focus on the reasons why your husband doesn’t deserve your submission, think about the ways you can support his sacrificial, loving leadership. Do your actions and attitudes make it easier or more difficult for him to lead?
