One of my unofficial new year’s resolutions this year is to be more honest. This is hard. How do I do that exactly? Well, I have to be open, transparent, vulnerable, and talk about how things truly are for me. Spoiler alert, I didn’t even want to write about doing that, it’s so difficult! But I was reading a blog and I was inspired to not wait any longer. I don’t want to give up on this honesty goal of mine but keep going at it any and every way I can.
I have never seen a time when people were more dishonest and/or more silent as on Facebook and Instagram and {insert other social media sites here} these days. It’s a breath of fresh air for me to see someone post something on social media that talks about something hard, bad, or real. (I’m not talking about posting about a national tragedy like Orlando.) We isolate ourselves because we lie. We hide. I’m including myself in this because I’m guilty. But I’m going to call myself out on this and here’s why.
I have struggled with mental illness called depression. Before you tell me that that’s not a real thing for a Christian to have, let me stop you right there and tell you that it is. Trust me. You don’t want to know what it feels like, really. Just take my word for it. It’s a very real thing. It made me tired all the time. It made me feel like being by myself a lot. It made me feel like I was a terrible person. And through this horrible time of hating myself for a mental illness I couldn’t help, I couldn’t talk about it because of shame.
Shame because people asked me if I was in sin. I mean, who hasn’t sinned at least once in a day? I’m not stupid, I know what they meant. And believe me, I’d been asking myself that for months. I was crying out to God to show me what I’d been doing wrong. I felt shame that I didn’t have it all together and I was supposed to be an ambassador for Christ. I felt ashamed because I couldn’t force myself to feel better. Ashamed because I couldn’t make myself be joyful like I was surely supposed to be.
People, our lives are going to be full of ups and downs. No matter what you believe about God or mental illness or the church or Christianity or the Bible, we are humans and we fluctuate. That’s why God is so insistent in His word that He is not. He never changes. We need Him to be that because we will never be. I believe it is unhealthy to believe that we could ever be perfect, constant, or stable in ourselves.
For many years, I believed that I had to hide myself and what I was really feeling. And I see that same thing on my computer screen every day. I see people hiding behind smiles. I see people hurting but not crying because they’re wearing masks. I see people scared of being alone. And I’ve been there. I’ve felt all those things and more. And I still do.
We cannot be more full people and, I believe, live more abundant lives for God, if we are not speaking truth about ourselves. If we don’t tell our true stories, we separate ourselves from others. And we miss out on the connections God wants for us. And the interactions, fellowship, and loving friendships that God designed for us to have. I don’t want to hide in the shadows of pretending anymore. Because I believe God made me for more. I believe God is bigger than we think. I don’t think He wants to be a God of fake personas or halfway real people. I believe God can handle anything we have going on and wants us to truly share ourselves with Him and others.
God accepts me exactly the way I am. So why should I hide from Him, myself, or anyone else? Why limit what He can do with truth, honesty, and transparency in my life? In the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve sinned, they covered themselves up before each other and then hid before God when they heard Him coming. Ever since then, we’ve had to fight against the same temptations of hiding, blending in, going with the flow. I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to hide or cover myself with something not real. I don’t want to know people who are performing an act for me. I believe God made us for so much more. I believe in telling our stories there is God’s richness, healing, and blessed abundance.
I will keep writing about this, talking about this, and living this out as much as I can. I feel so passionately about this because I believe this is what God wants. As His word says, the truth sets us free. I try to make an effort every day to tell the truth, to be real, and to speak up. I do my best to keep going on this journey God began in my life and not stop. He started this revolution in me and I won’t back down now. I want to live my life showing myself as I actually am. I challenge you to do the same. Because in doing that is the truth and beauty in us that God created and loves.
